B”H
“Hatred of other people, separates a person from the world.”
– Pirkei Avot 2
For the sake of clarification, separation from the world for the sake of leading a religious life is different from separation that results from baseness and hatred. In the sense that it is important to distance oneself from the secular world, in order to follow a higher calling, this will lead to kedushah (holiness), while still feeling connected to community, and G-d’s creation. There is no concrete monastic tradition within the framework of Judaism; yet, we are to remain a light in the darkness, without becoming swept up by gashmiyos (material concerns).
On the other hand, to bear hatred, resentment, or bitterness to others will bring a type of metaphysical ostracism, that might only be noticeable to the inner experience of the persons who stews in his or her negativity. I would presume to think that this is the gist of what the teaching mentioned above is meant to convey. A person with trenchant negativity toward others will bear an existential burden of feeling apart from humanity.
In light of this discussion, there is a certain burden to be borne, only by the person who knows his wrongs, especially in regard to how he may have treated others, perhaps, inadvertently, offending them, even if the person offended does not state so; yet, his or her body language or silence seems to glare with the offense. A mindful individual, who accidentally offends another person will have a twinged conscience.
I do not consider myself a bearer of hatred toward others; yet, below the surface of my social ineptness, perhaps, I am inconsiderate to the extent of being selfish. Loving oneself to the point of selfishness will inevitably create a conflict in any attempt to love others. This is especially true if the adage to love others as one loves himself is ignored. It is often the external behaviors that manifest, sometimes unwittingly that give us an idea of what we are truly like on the inside. To take an honest look below the surface of one’s persona is the mark of a mature individual on the road toward self-improvement.
Case in point, for myself, in regard to an interaction at seudah (lunch) after Shabbat morning prayers at the place of worship that I attend, about a week before the beginning of the Hebrew month of Tammuz. A few couples from out of town were visiting from different Jewish communities. When both locals and the visitors were finding their seats, I wound up wedged in a chair, without much room for leverage. I had made room for others on my left; yet, no one sat down in those seats. So, half-way through lunch, I moved one seat to the left to have more space.
It was only when I returned home that afternoon, that I recalled a saying from someone who was a guest at my parents’ Shabbos table many years ago. He had said that it is important to always think about how one’s actions appear to others. I had been sitting directly across from a Hasidic couple; when shifted seats, I was sitting directly opposite the man. It wasn’t until afterwards, that I realized the woman may had taken offense, even though Hasidim, generally don’t sit in mixed company. Even so, it may have appeared rude, as if I was moving for that reason, which would have been impolite, regardless of the decorum followed in the community they belong to.
For myself, I am conscience of seating arrangements for this reason, even though the community I attend has mixed seating for meals. (We have separate men’s and women’s seating in the sanctuary, as is the custom for an orthodox shul). I noticed that the woman, had her arms crossed for most of the rest of the meal, after I moved. Of course, this might be a coincidence; yet, my conscience was still twinged.
At any rate, I engaged the young man in conversation, because I have family where He and his wife live. The whole time my attention was focused on him, as if she was being excluded unintentionally. I realized, that if I had remain seated where I was, I could have spoken to him on the diagonal as it were, whereas, his wife would have felt more a part of the conversation. This may have all been in my mind, and not considered at all by either of them; yet, I would like to be as considerate as possible, and felt that I erred on this occasion. (Most people reading this, probably think that I’m obsessing about this social faux pas).
Additionally, after lunch, I was in the small library there, when the lights went out according to a timer. Another visitor commented to me that it was like when the lights dim at a movie theater. I immediately retorted by explaining that the lights go out at a certain time automatically. Of course, I should have realized that he would have known this, because he appeared to be an observant Jew. He replied that he did know this, and seemed a little disgruntled, as if I had insulted his intelligence. The truth of the matter, that in both of these cases, I am, in all likelihood, the only one that continued to be feeling bad about the situation. Hence, my efforts to improve myself should include being even more considerate of others.
A good heart may only be fostered over a period of years, ideally beginning in early childhood. As I grew up in a mostly secular world, I am still learning. Hence, below the surface of my consciousness, lurks some thoughts that are not so nice. It is challenging to diminish this kind of negativity, since it is deep-rooted, having never been truly influenced by a solely positive set of values. Bad habits are easily picked up from others, who may also not have been exposed to a deliberate set of morals to be inculcated for the benefit of the soul. Expressing kindness toward others had not always been my modus operandi.