As a ba’al teshuvah, I should feel more than ashamed for my past sinful ways, I should feel sincere regret. In other words, I should feel remorse for the way I lived my life, even though at the time, it was more or less like most of the peers my age in the secular world. What was typically viewed as normal teenage behaviors and activities for most of my peers, would be substandard by way of the values promoted by G-d’s kitvei kodesh (holy scripture).
I am currently part of a congregation, wherein we receive many orthodox and Hasidic visitors, especially over the summer. Sometimes, young Chassidic couples, newly married will spend Shabbat. This past Shabbat, one such couple was visiting; at lunch, they were seated nearby, across from the rabbi’s table where I sat. So, I was amongst several chasidim, including the rabbi.
I realized at some point later, that had I been raised properly, I could have been at the same level, so to speak, as the chasid sitting nearby. My cousins are chasidim who grew up in Borough Park. They are the descendants of my great-grandfather’s brother. So, two different lines of descendants from great-great-grandfather, who was a Chassidic rabbi, ordained, yet probably did not lead an actual congregation, although he was highly respected.
Two sides of the family, completely different because of assimilation on my side of the family and commitment to tradition on the other. Yet, there is a reason for everything, and G-d’s intentions for each individual play out according to that person’s circumstances in life, regardless of yearning, in retrospect, for the grass greener on the other side. A visiting chasid, several weeks ago, made the point clear in an elaborate way, that I do not specifically recall; however, yes, H’Shem arranges everything for the best, to promote the spiritual growth of the soul.