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inspiration, Judaism, personal

Regret Me Not

As a ba’al teshuvah, I should feel more than ashamed for my past sinful ways, I should feel sincere regret. In other words, I should feel remorse for the way I lived my life, even though at the time, it was more or less like most of the peers my age in the secular world. What was typically viewed as normal teenage behaviors and activities for most of my peers, would be substandard by way of the values promoted by G-d’s kitvei kodesh (holy scripture).

I am currently part of a congregation, wherein we receive many orthodox and Hasidic visitors, especially over the summer. Sometimes, young Chassidic couples, newly married will spend Shabbat. This past Shabbat, one such couple was visiting; at lunch, they were seated nearby, across from the rabbi’s table where I sat. So, I was amongst several chasidim, including the rabbi.

I realized at some point later, that had I been raised properly, I could have been at the same level, so to speak, as the chasid sitting nearby. My cousins are chasidim who grew up in Borough Park. They are the descendants of my great-grandfather’s brother. So, two different lines of descendants from great-great-grandfather, who was a Chassidic rabbi, ordained, yet probably did not lead an actual congregation, although he was highly respected.

Two sides of the family, completely different because of assimilation on my side of the family and commitment to tradition on the other. Yet, there is a reason for everything, and G-d’s intentions for each individual play out according to that person’s circumstances in life, regardless of yearning, in retrospect, for the grass greener on the other side. A visiting chasid, several weeks ago, made the point clear in an elaborate way, that I do not specifically recall; however, yes, H’Shem arranges everything for the best, to promote the spiritual growth of the soul.

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personal

Be Circumspect for the Sake of Others

B”H

“Hatred of other people, separates a person from the world.”

– Pirkei Avot 2

For the sake of clarification, separation from the world for the sake of leading a religious life is different from separation that results from baseness and hatred. In the sense that it is important to distance oneself from the secular world, in order to follow a higher calling, this will lead to kedushah (holiness), while still feeling connected to community, and G-d’s creation. There is no concrete monastic tradition within the framework of Judaism; yet, we are to remain a light in the darkness, without becoming swept up by gashmiyos (material concerns).

On the other hand, to bear hatred, resentment, or bitterness to others will bring a type of metaphysical ostracism, that might only be noticeable to the inner experience of the persons who stews in his or her negativity. I would presume to think that this is the gist of what the teaching mentioned above is meant to convey. A person with trenchant negativity toward others will bear an existential burden of feeling apart from humanity.

In light of this discussion, there is a certain burden to be borne, only by the person who knows his wrongs, especially in regard to how he may have treated others, perhaps, inadvertently, offending them, even if the person offended does not state so; yet, his or her body language or silence seems to glare with the offense. A mindful individual, who accidentally offends another person will have a twinged conscience.

I do not consider myself a bearer of hatred toward others; yet, below the surface of my social ineptness, perhaps, I am inconsiderate to the extent of being selfish. Loving oneself to the point of selfishness will inevitably create a conflict in any attempt to love others. This is especially true if the adage to love others as one loves himself is ignored. It is often the external behaviors that manifest, sometimes unwittingly that give us an idea of what we are truly like on the inside. To take an honest look below the surface of one’s persona is the mark of a mature individual on the road toward self-improvement.

Case in point, for myself, in regard to an interaction at seudah (lunch) after Shabbat morning prayers at the place of worship that I attend, about a week before the beginning of the Hebrew month of Tammuz. A few couples from out of town were visiting from different Jewish communities. When both locals and the visitors were finding their seats, I wound up wedged in a chair, without much room for leverage. I had made room for others on my left; yet, no one sat down in those seats. So, half-way through lunch, I moved one seat to the left to have more space.

It was only when I returned home that afternoon, that I recalled a saying from someone who was a guest at my parents’ Shabbos table many years ago. He had said that it is important to always think about how one’s actions appear to others. I had been sitting directly across from a Hasidic couple; when shifted seats, I was sitting directly opposite the man. It wasn’t until afterwards, that I realized the woman may had taken offense, even though Hasidim, generally don’t sit in mixed company. Even so, it may have appeared rude, as if I was moving for that reason, which would have been impolite, regardless of the decorum followed in the community they belong to.

For myself, I am conscience of seating arrangements for this reason, even though the community I attend has mixed seating for meals. (We have separate men’s and women’s seating in the sanctuary, as is the custom for an orthodox shul). I noticed that the woman, had her arms crossed for most of the rest of the meal, after I moved. Of course, this might be a coincidence; yet, my conscience was still twinged.

At any rate, I engaged the young man in conversation, because I have family where He and his wife live. The whole time my attention was focused on him, as if she was being excluded unintentionally. I realized, that if I had remain seated where I was, I could have spoken to him on the diagonal as it were, whereas, his wife would have felt more a part of the conversation. This may have all been in my mind, and not considered at all by either of them; yet, I would like to be as considerate as possible, and felt that I erred on this occasion. (Most people reading this, probably think that I’m obsessing about this social faux pas).

Additionally, after lunch, I was in the small library there, when the lights went out according to a timer. Another visitor commented to me that it was like when the lights dim at a movie theater. I immediately retorted by explaining that the lights go out at a certain time automatically. Of course, I should have realized that he would have known this, because he appeared to be an observant Jew. He replied that he did know this, and seemed a little disgruntled, as if I had insulted his intelligence. The truth of the matter, that in both of these cases, I am, in all likelihood, the only one that continued to be feeling bad about the situation. Hence, my efforts to improve myself should include being even more considerate of others.

A good heart may only be fostered over a period of years, ideally beginning in early childhood. As I grew up in a mostly secular world, I am still learning. Hence, below the surface of my consciousness, lurks some thoughts that are not so nice. It is challenging to diminish this kind of negativity, since it is deep-rooted, having never been truly influenced by a solely positive set of values. Bad habits are easily picked up from others, who may also not have been exposed to a deliberate set of morals to be inculcated for the benefit of the soul. Expressing kindness toward others had not always been my modus operandi.

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Judaism

On the Path

In reflecting upon the state of affairs, whereof some Jews are observant and others are not, I realized something important in regard to how I should best view those who have not yet embraced Torah. For myself, it is not that I had ever abandoned Torah in my lifetime. Rather, up until a certain time in my life, I had never embraced Torah, nor knew of its advantages in doing so. Not that we are called upon to observe Torah for our own advantage; however, truly, only in pursuing righteousness can anyone draw closer to G-d, and receive His consolation, even in the midst of suffering.

Yet, as a ba’al teshuvah (returnee to the faith), who only later in life took upon myself “the yoke of heaven,” I recognize the fairness of viewing others who have not yet started on this journey as akin to my own state of mind, before walking in the ways of the mitzvot. How can anyone reject what they have never known, nor sincerely considered? So, if anything, I should feel and exhibit compassion to others, who I would hope to see transformed by G-d’s grace upon them, drawing them near to Him through His words.

For everyone, it is different in regard to the bridge that is crossed into the Promised Land. When we are able to observe the mitzvot with devotion we are well on the way. In acknowledgement that we are still on a journey, rather than having already arrived at the destination, each individual is somewhere along the way. For myself, it’s being on the derech (path, way) that counts the most in my life. May others also be brought into the clearing whereof they may begin anew, and journey along the road toward faith and devotion, according to the individual expression of the soul, and G-d’s guidance for their lives.

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inspiration

Teshuvah Call

If you were in exile, how would you know? Only by comparison to what preceded your exile. Therefore, if as part of a greater whole, your corporate identity within K’lal Yisrael (all of Israel) was rooted in Torah, and the land of Israel, as well as the traditions of our forefathers; yet, you grew up somewhat removed from all of this, you would not realize that you are in exile.

Rather, especially, living in America, you might think that you live in the land of milk and honey, as per what Dathan and Aviram said, mistakenly, in regard to Mitzraim (Egypt; see Numbers 16:13). Moreover, wherever you live, an overemphasis on gashmiyos (material concerns) could be preventing you from recognizing the need to nourish the soul.

The true, biblical land of milk and honey, symbolic of abundance, is Israel, the land promised to the descendants of Abraham. And an emphasis on ruchniyos (spiritual concerns) helps us to transcend this material world, in order to connect to the abundance provided for us from H’Shem.

For, only when the soul begins to yearn in earnest for its Maker, does a realization occur that one has been living in a sense of personal exile on a spiritual level, because of a disconnect to one’s Source of All that Is. To return to that source in this life is possible through teshuvah, a change of heart, in acknowledgment of our past ways that were not in accord with G-d’s divine guidance, as mentioned in the Torah.

On a personal note, this journey must start somewhere in time and space; and, usually, takes many years, at least, in my case, to solidify into something concrete, imbued with sincerity, and a feeling of one’s path being the natural course that one prefers, regardless of past diversions. Thus, I hope to inspire others along the way as a fellow traveler along the derech (path).

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prayer

Prayer and Sincerity

A Few Thoughts on Prayer and Sincerity:

“Elokai neshama…”

“My G-d, the soul you placed within me is pure.” – from the morning prayers

Too often, I am unable to say the beginning of this prayer “as is.” Was the original soul that G-d placed within me pure when I was born? Yes, as far as I know, I can receive this as a truth.

Is my soul renewed every morning, having spent some time in the upper realms to get a recharge, before being placed back within me before I wake up? No doubt, that my soul is renewed each and every morning, as implied elsewhere, “new every morning” (Lamentations 3:23).

Yet, I know myself too well; my conscience is not necessarily renewed to its pristine quality every morning. And, if yesterday’s taint upon the soul is still present in my mind, my soul does not “feel” pure when I awake to the “rise and shine” of the day.

For some time, I have been disconcerted by the apparent incongruity of how I feel, as compared to the literal text; so, I explored various ways to understand this concept of the soul’s purity being restored. One finding is that, only a certain part of the soul is referred to in the prayer; that part is “pure.”

I also seem to recall learning of tzaddikim, who were unable to say certain prayers in sincerity. As far as I can recall, they modified those particular prayers a little bit, for themselves, in the moment, in order to be heartfelt and true to their words. Yet, this is not to be understood as a pretext to actually changing the prayers of chazal (the sages).

Yet, there does appear to be a pretext to solving my own troublesome dilemma, by altering a prayer somewhat, at least, in the moment, to be faithful and true to one’s own words. As such, I usually say, “My G-d, may the soul you placed within me be pure.” I have turned a statement into a request.

Additionally, the prayers may be personalized, to some extent, while reciting them: that is the nature of personal kavannos, best explained as thoughts about the prayers while reciting them. (There are also specially designed kavannos to recall while reciting certain prayers).

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flash fiction, inspiration, Judaism

Wake Up Call

I woke up this morning, as the remnant of a dream lingered in my soul. All was foretold long ago; and, yet we seem to get so little of a glimpse on occasion into this hope for redemption. My academic background is in psychology; needless to say, I began to analyze my dream: Rockets turned into butterflies, and missiles turned into doves; the sky became bright blue, as light descended from above. As if in an overnight occurrence, the Third Temple appeared in Jerusalem; and, the king entered through the Eastern Gate.

Yet, before he could reach the throne, the processions stopped. The King exclaimed, “I can go no further.” Everyone looked astonished and turned one to another in wonder. Then, I woke up with the following words spoken quietly in my mind: the redemption will not occur until you correct your spelling mistake. So, I laughed and smirked, and went back to sleep, thinking, oh, what a silly dream. Later, I wrote in my journal that this dream was a wish-fulfillment tinged with anxiety because of my lack of self-esteem. Then, I turned the page in my journal, and continued to write.

What if the dream was a divine portent? I know that mysticism bears some light upon this dream, if I think about the nature of words and their power to move mountains. I recall hearing about a misspelling in a mezuzah scroll that brought ill fortune upon the people who lived at that residence, where the mezuzah was placed on the doorway. When the mistake was found, and the correction made, all turned out well for the family and their descendants. Now, I know there is a principle, isn’t there? “As above so below.” So, our efforts, thoughts and speech in this world have an influence upon the spiritual realm. Hmm.

Then, I realized, that I had recently written a poem about the Geulah. As usual, I placed the appropriate tags on the post for ease of accessibility and viewership; however, I wonder if I misspelled the word, redemption. So, I decided to check, half-heartedly remaining skeptical. Lo and behold, I had misspelled the word, redemption, spelling the word without the second “e” – redmption. I added the letter “e,” and quietly made my usual cup of green tea in the morning. I had a glimmer of hope in my heart, wondering if I had actually in some small way contributed to the hastening of the Geulah. After all, isn’t there a saying about how one mitzvah can change the entire world? Hmm.

I sat back down at my desk in front of the computer screen. I sat silently in deep thought. I decided to check the likes for that poem. There were the usual likes from people who read my posts from time to time; there were also some likes from bloggers that were not previously known to me. I checked the comments; many of the comments were in keeping with the usual recipients; yet, there were a few from others I had not seen previously in the comments section.

I continued with my day, not letting my dreams hold sway over reality. An hour later, I checked the post again; the likes were climbing higher than usual; and, the comments kept pouring in one after the other. Hmm. I must have struck a chord in the heartstrings of like-minded bloggers. I decided to place the poem on Facebook, Instagram, and another blog of mine. Then, I continued to work on some other tasks until dusk; studied the usual subjects, and called it a day.

The next day there was a bright light in my room, and it was not even daylight yet. I thought that I was still dreaming. Perhaps, I was still sleeping, I thought to myself; so, I decided to make a cup of tea. There was music emanating from my computer; yet, the pc was still closed for I always close up my laptop overnight. Normally, the music app only works when the laptop is open. I did not even recognize the song. Then, I began listening to the lyrics, “Who is like You, majestic in holiness, awesome in splendor, working wonders?” I realized that these are the words of Az Yashir, giving praise to H’Shem, for having led us out of Egypt and split the Sea of Reeds.

Where was the music coming from? The online morning service that I attend had not even begun, so this couldn’t have been from the liturgy. The choir singing the song sounded as if composed of thousands of voices. Then, I remembered the commentary on this verse: the sages point out that the verb tense is in the future; in other words, not “Then Moses sang;” rather, “Then Moses [and the people] will sing.” When? According to chazal, after the Tehillas haMeisim (Resurrection of the Dead) at the beginning of the Messianic Age.

I couldn’t believe what I was thinking. Could this really be? Or was I still dreaming? I went into the restroom to splash some water upon my face. Then, when I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I looked as if I was twenty years old again. Wait. Didn’t my friend once tell me that when Moshiach appears, those who are alive at the time will be transformed? And, that they will have a resurrection body like that of a twenty-year old? Could this really be happening?

I decided to check the news. All of the Israeli papers, including Arutz Sheva, the Jerusalem Post, and Ha’aretz had live coverage at the Western Wall. Is the Redemption at hand? Is the Geulah being broadcast around the world? Will all eyes behold him? As is written, “And His feet shall stand in that day upon the mount of Olives” (Zechariah 14:4, JPSN). “I would behold G-d while still in my flesh, I myself, not another, would behold Him; would see with my own eyes” (Job 19:26-27, JPSN). Amein and amein.

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inspiration

The Sweetness of Torah

Sweeten the words of Your Torah in our mouth.

– Blessings of the Torah

What was once pleasant, has become unpleasant. The wisdom of the Torah has given place to the wisdom of the world, without any recourse to the truths of our ancestors. Rather, for many amongst the children of Seth in the diaspora, the traditions of Judaism may still flourish, yet, without the substance. If we only knew what we were missing, we would pray, “sweeten the words of your Torah in our mouth.” In other words, we would feel compelled to learn of the words and instructions of Torah, to the extent that they would appeal to our sense of priorities, and what is important in our lives. Rather than rejecting them as passe, unenlightened, or contrary to our progressive sensibilities, we would yearn to receive them, if only G-d would somehow cause us to appreciate their flavor, taste, and essential ingredients.

We have forsaken “the fountain of living waters,” and constructed “cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water” (Jeremiah 2:13, JPS). When we thirst for something more constant in our lives to bring us peace, contentment, and lasting joy, we turn elsewhere, without realizing that only pure water from the Source of all that exists can supply us with any refreshment of lasting value. And, still, we yearn for something more than the ephemeral pleasures of life. For G-d has planted eternity in the heart of mankind, so that we might seek to know Him beyond time and space. Only a transcendent G-d, Who is able to transcend our own understanding, can give us anything of lasting joy in this world and the World-to-Come. His wisdom, contained in Torah, within the narratives of creation and fall, the lives of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Joseph and the Exodus, plus the giving of the Torah at Sinai, and all of the commandments are rich in value.

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prayer

prayer: Intentional Focus

Prayer is meant to be self-reflexive. For, how can the prayers truly benefit the soul, unless the meaning of the prayers is known to the person who is praying? Yet, there is a belief that praying in Hebrew, regardless of knowledge of the Hebrew language, also benefits the soul. While it may be the case that the soul benefits, this could be at the expense of the individual’s actual understanding of the words. Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, the founder of Breslov Chasidism advocated the need to pray in one’s own language. I find this approach refreshing, inasmuch that he understood the importance of kavanah (intention) at the level of praying in a meaningful way.

Moreover, not only pray in one’s own language, at least for some of the prayers, but to be able to comprehend the meaning of the words one prays is important. Words have meaning in and of themselves; a dictionary is a handy guide to those meanings when unsure of what a word conveys, or how it is used in a sentence. However, the words of kitvei kodesh (holy scripture) have meaning above and beyond the words themselves, and must be understood within the greater context of the themes of the biblical narratives they portray, as well as their theological significance.

The siddur (prayer book) has been described as an overall composite of what is most significant in Judaism. The prayers are an active means for inculcating the values, traditions, and beliefs of Judaism into our lives. As such, the siddur should garner our greatest attention, and praying should not end up being a rote experience, performed without true intention or understanding. If our prayer experience is dry, then we need to somehow make amends.

One way to do so is to increase a sense of kavanah (attention; intentional reading) through specific techniques designed for this purpose. For example, if praying too fast, one way to slow down is to pause, every time the name YHVH is written, otherwise denoted by the words H’Shem or  L-RD. This serves to develop a pace whereby reflection becomes possible, by paying more attention to the words that are being prayed. This is davening with kavanah, when the words have a direct and immediate impact on the soul of the individual praying.

It is of paramount importance to seek understanding of the meaning and significance of the words that are being prayed. Each individual should decide for him or herself, what language to pray, and how to find a healthy balance between Hebrew and one’s own language. The original Hebrew prayers are established by chazal (the sages) and should not be changed; at least not to the extent that they are unrecognizable in an English translation, or seem to abandon the original intent. For, the ultimate goal is to connect with H’Shem at the level of one’s own understanding and comfortability.

 

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prayer

prayer: Meaningful Connection

Prayer must be relevant to our lives; specifically, we must understand the relevancy of the words in prayer, namely, the written prayers in a prayerbook. Otherwise, there is a disconnect, and the prayers that we are saying may not be prayed in a meaningful way. With heartfelt prayers that we pray in our own words, this may be very different; inasmuch, that we pray using our own words, surely, what we say to H’Shem (the L-RD; literally, “the Name”) has personal meaning for us. Individualized prayer, although challenging for many, including myself, to maintain, beyond a thirty second “conversation” with G-d, may prove to be very beneficial, when we truly cast our burdens upon H’Shem, as is written in Psalm 55:23 (22).

“Cast thy burden upon the L-RD, and He will sustain thee.”

– Psalm 55:23, JPS 1917 Tanach

So, how can we compel ourselves to find meaning in the words written in a siddur (prayerbook), for the sake of kavanah, that is a heartfelt intention, when reading from a prayerbook? The psalms, in particular, convey essential truths, and varied emotional elements, intrinsic to human nature. Yet, if we fall short of the intentional focus required to reflect on these words, with the hope to connect to the ideas being expressed, perhaps, one solution is to focus on improving one’s kavanah (mindfulness) per se,  so that attention may be improved, like a laser beam, honing in on each word. After all, kitvei kodesh (holy scripture) contains G-d inspired words, that convey His thoughts, that are higher than our thoughts as is found in Isaiah 55:8-9. So, in order to comprehend the essence of scripture, we must reflect while reading.

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, saith the L-RD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.”

– Isaiah 55:8-9, JPS 1917 Tanach

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personal

Heritage

B”H
March 24, 2020
erev 12 Nissan 5781

“Drink waters out of thine own cistern, and running waters out of thine own well.”

– Proverbs 5:15, JPS 1917 Tanach

The fountains of my youth were not the same as my ancestors; nor, did I approach the sanctuary of prayer in the same manner of reverence. Rather, time spent chasing waterfalls, that had their origin in waters not of a source close to the land of my forefathers, were the pastimes that stood between me and my G-d, preventing the proper reverence towards Him, that I should have at least had every Sabbath, when dressed in my finery to pay homage to the G-d of Israel.
How assuredly tragic is the entirety of a life assimilated to the ways of olam hazeh (this world), caught up in gashmios (materialism), without any sense of ruchniyos (spirituality). I speak for myself, as well as for others, who have not yet been called to return to the L-RD. I recently discovered that I am a fifth generation descendant of a chassidic rabbi; yet, only after many years of searching, and eventually returning to my roots, am I beginning to appreciate my heritage.
There is no other place of refuge, except within the shadow of the Shechinah, G-d’s Immanent Presence on earth, where He may still dwell within us (see Exodus 25:8), despite the rampant secularism that pollutes the waters of olam hazeh (this world). A life previously unexamined, like my own when I was a youth, mostly amongst my secular peers, will inevitably lead to a crossroads. As a returnee to the faith of my ancestors, I have already reached that crossroads; and, determined to stay on the derech (path) that I chose to follow, the road towards freedom through responsibility, commitment, and a higher purpose, I still struggle, even to this day, against the lure of secular influences.
Permit me to be more specific, since my language, no doubt, may appear to cast too great a shadow on the secular world. Even moreso than whatever might be considered to be “secular” or mundane, as opposed to “sacred” or even holy, I would write with respect towards those pastimes of my own, as well as the various activities that are counterethical to a life lived well in respect to the guidelines given to us from Above. For to live according to one’s own ways, without giving thought towards the Designer’s purpose for mankind, would only bring me deeper into the abyss, that I originally climbed out of, when G-d sent a helping hand to lift me out of the darkness.

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