B”H
,
“Remember, forget thou not, how thou didst make the L-RD thy G-d wroth in the wilderness.”
– Deuteronomy 9:7, JPS 1917 Tanach
As a ba’al teshuvah, someone who has returned to the derech (path) of my people, in a manner consistent with Torah, I often wonder how to view my past. One of the six remberances, events that should always be remembered is the commandment to remember how as a people, we angered G-d in the wilderness through our disobedience and lack of emunah (faith). The word, “wilderness,” seems significant to me, implying a more general connotation, having to do with the so called wilderness of my youth.
There’s an adage, a sort of “popular refrain” to the Exodus narrative, whereof B’nei Yisrael (the Children of Israel), received freedom from slavery, yet, struggled with the negative influences of their time spent in Egypt: Although the Children of Israel were taken out of Egypt, the greater challenge was to take Egypt out of the Children of Israel.
This saying is also relevant to my own life, inasmuch that I was given a moral compass, I sometimes strayed off the derech (path). Making a transition from a mostly secular, assimilated Jew to an observant one is not something that occurred overnight for me; in fact, the transition continues on an everyday basis, step by step, progressively towards the next level (madreiga).
Additionally, there is greater need for vigilance, perhaps, on the part of a ba’al teshuvah, than for an observant Jew, who was not as influenced by the secular world, while growing up in a more religious environment. For myself, sometimes, the daily walk is like carefully stepping on a tightrope, stretched out from the beginning of the day, until the end of the day.
The derech (walk) of a ba’al teshuvah might be epitomized by the commandment, “do not follow after your heart and your eyes by which you go astray.” Yet, the reward is great, for the place where the ba’al teshuvah stand, even the righteous may not stand. What this Talmudic passage really means is that having attained freedom from errant ways, the ba’al teshuvah attains a level of sanctity that can be greatly appreciated, because of the effort made to reach that point.
To remember my former ways, is to guard against making the same mistakes made in my youth. Despite my viewpoints at the time, much of what is considered permissible by the standards of society is not permitted by the more stringent lifestyle of an observant Jew. Therefore, to remember my ways in the wilderness of my youth is to acknowledge how much of my own conduct must have angered G-d, despite my own ignorance of His ways.
Now, I try to walk a fine line, amidst the choices set before me, having a greater awareness of His expectations of me. I walk in humility, by recognizing how my past ways were not pleasing to Him. Nor, should I reminisce on past experiences that may have been pleasant in my own eyes at the time; rather, I need to continue to modify my perspective, aligning myself with what is wholesome in the eyes of G-d.