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inspiration, Judaism, personal

Regret Me Not

As a ba’al teshuvah, I should feel more than ashamed for my past sinful ways, I should feel sincere regret. In other words, I should feel remorse for the way I lived my life, even though at the time, it was more or less like most of the peers my age in the secular world. What was typically viewed as normal teenage behaviors and activities for most of my peers, would be substandard by way of the values promoted by G-d’s kitvei kodesh (holy scripture).

I am currently part of a congregation, wherein we receive many orthodox and Hasidic visitors, especially over the summer. Sometimes, young Chassidic couples, newly married will spend Shabbat. This past Shabbat, one such couple was visiting; at lunch, they were seated nearby, across from the rabbi’s table where I sat. So, I was amongst several chasidim, including the rabbi.

I realized at some point later, that had I been raised properly, I could have been at the same level, so to speak, as the chasid sitting nearby. My cousins are chasidim who grew up in Borough Park. They are the descendants of my great-grandfather’s brother. So, two different lines of descendants from great-great-grandfather, who was a Chassidic rabbi, ordained, yet probably did not lead an actual congregation, although he was highly respected.

Two sides of the family, completely different because of assimilation on my side of the family and commitment to tradition on the other. Yet, there is a reason for everything, and G-d’s intentions for each individual play out according to that person’s circumstances in life, regardless of yearning, in retrospect, for the grass greener on the other side. A visiting chasid, several weeks ago, made the point clear in an elaborate way, that I do not specifically recall; however, yes, H’Shem arranges everything for the best, to promote the spiritual growth of the soul.

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inspiration

Teshuvah Call

If you were in exile, how would you know? Only by comparison to what preceded your exile. Therefore, if as part of a greater whole, your corporate identity within K’lal Yisrael (all of Israel) was rooted in Torah, and the land of Israel, as well as the traditions of our forefathers; yet, you grew up somewhat removed from all of this, you would not realize that you are in exile.

Rather, especially, living in America, you might think that you live in the land of milk and honey, as per what Dathan and Aviram said, mistakenly, in regard to Mitzraim (Egypt; see Numbers 16:13). Moreover, wherever you live, an overemphasis on gashmiyos (material concerns) could be preventing you from recognizing the need to nourish the soul.

The true, biblical land of milk and honey, symbolic of abundance, is Israel, the land promised to the descendants of Abraham. And an emphasis on ruchniyos (spiritual concerns) helps us to transcend this material world, in order to connect to the abundance provided for us from H’Shem.

For, only when the soul begins to yearn in earnest for its Maker, does a realization occur that one has been living in a sense of personal exile on a spiritual level, because of a disconnect to one’s Source of All that Is. To return to that source in this life is possible through teshuvah, a change of heart, in acknowledgment of our past ways that were not in accord with G-d’s divine guidance, as mentioned in the Torah.

On a personal note, this journey must start somewhere in time and space; and, usually, takes many years, at least, in my case, to solidify into something concrete, imbued with sincerity, and a feeling of one’s path being the natural course that one prefers, regardless of past diversions. Thus, I hope to inspire others along the way as a fellow traveler along the derech (path).

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flash fiction, inspiration, Judaism

Wake Up Call

I woke up this morning, as the remnant of a dream lingered in my soul. All was foretold long ago; and, yet we seem to get so little of a glimpse on occasion into this hope for redemption. My academic background is in psychology; needless to say, I began to analyze my dream: Rockets turned into butterflies, and missiles turned into doves; the sky became bright blue, as light descended from above. As if in an overnight occurrence, the Third Temple appeared in Jerusalem; and, the king entered through the Eastern Gate.

Yet, before he could reach the throne, the processions stopped. The King exclaimed, “I can go no further.” Everyone looked astonished and turned one to another in wonder. Then, I woke up with the following words spoken quietly in my mind: the redemption will not occur until you correct your spelling mistake. So, I laughed and smirked, and went back to sleep, thinking, oh, what a silly dream. Later, I wrote in my journal that this dream was a wish-fulfillment tinged with anxiety because of my lack of self-esteem. Then, I turned the page in my journal, and continued to write.

What if the dream was a divine portent? I know that mysticism bears some light upon this dream, if I think about the nature of words and their power to move mountains. I recall hearing about a misspelling in a mezuzah scroll that brought ill fortune upon the people who lived at that residence, where the mezuzah was placed on the doorway. When the mistake was found, and the correction made, all turned out well for the family and their descendants. Now, I know there is a principle, isn’t there? “As above so below.” So, our efforts, thoughts and speech in this world have an influence upon the spiritual realm. Hmm.

Then, I realized, that I had recently written a poem about the Geulah. As usual, I placed the appropriate tags on the post for ease of accessibility and viewership; however, I wonder if I misspelled the word, redemption. So, I decided to check, half-heartedly remaining skeptical. Lo and behold, I had misspelled the word, redemption, spelling the word without the second “e” – redmption. I added the letter “e,” and quietly made my usual cup of green tea in the morning. I had a glimmer of hope in my heart, wondering if I had actually in some small way contributed to the hastening of the Geulah. After all, isn’t there a saying about how one mitzvah can change the entire world? Hmm.

I sat back down at my desk in front of the computer screen. I sat silently in deep thought. I decided to check the likes for that poem. There were the usual likes from people who read my posts from time to time; there were also some likes from bloggers that were not previously known to me. I checked the comments; many of the comments were in keeping with the usual recipients; yet, there were a few from others I had not seen previously in the comments section.

I continued with my day, not letting my dreams hold sway over reality. An hour later, I checked the post again; the likes were climbing higher than usual; and, the comments kept pouring in one after the other. Hmm. I must have struck a chord in the heartstrings of like-minded bloggers. I decided to place the poem on Facebook, Instagram, and another blog of mine. Then, I continued to work on some other tasks until dusk; studied the usual subjects, and called it a day.

The next day there was a bright light in my room, and it was not even daylight yet. I thought that I was still dreaming. Perhaps, I was still sleeping, I thought to myself; so, I decided to make a cup of tea. There was music emanating from my computer; yet, the pc was still closed for I always close up my laptop overnight. Normally, the music app only works when the laptop is open. I did not even recognize the song. Then, I began listening to the lyrics, “Who is like You, majestic in holiness, awesome in splendor, working wonders?” I realized that these are the words of Az Yashir, giving praise to H’Shem, for having led us out of Egypt and split the Sea of Reeds.

Where was the music coming from? The online morning service that I attend had not even begun, so this couldn’t have been from the liturgy. The choir singing the song sounded as if composed of thousands of voices. Then, I remembered the commentary on this verse: the sages point out that the verb tense is in the future; in other words, not “Then Moses sang;” rather, “Then Moses [and the people] will sing.” When? According to chazal, after the Tehillas haMeisim (Resurrection of the Dead) at the beginning of the Messianic Age.

I couldn’t believe what I was thinking. Could this really be? Or was I still dreaming? I went into the restroom to splash some water upon my face. Then, when I looked in the mirror, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I looked as if I was twenty years old again. Wait. Didn’t my friend once tell me that when Moshiach appears, those who are alive at the time will be transformed? And, that they will have a resurrection body like that of a twenty-year old? Could this really be happening?

I decided to check the news. All of the Israeli papers, including Arutz Sheva, the Jerusalem Post, and Ha’aretz had live coverage at the Western Wall. Is the Redemption at hand? Is the Geulah being broadcast around the world? Will all eyes behold him? As is written, “And His feet shall stand in that day upon the mount of Olives” (Zechariah 14:4, JPSN). “I would behold G-d while still in my flesh, I myself, not another, would behold Him; would see with my own eyes” (Job 19:26-27, JPSN). Amein and amein.

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inspiration

The Sweetness of Torah

Sweeten the words of Your Torah in our mouth.

– Blessings of the Torah

What was once pleasant, has become unpleasant. The wisdom of the Torah has given place to the wisdom of the world, without any recourse to the truths of our ancestors. Rather, for many amongst the children of Seth in the diaspora, the traditions of Judaism may still flourish, yet, without the substance. If we only knew what we were missing, we would pray, “sweeten the words of your Torah in our mouth.” In other words, we would feel compelled to learn of the words and instructions of Torah, to the extent that they would appeal to our sense of priorities, and what is important in our lives. Rather than rejecting them as passe, unenlightened, or contrary to our progressive sensibilities, we would yearn to receive them, if only G-d would somehow cause us to appreciate their flavor, taste, and essential ingredients.

We have forsaken “the fountain of living waters,” and constructed “cisterns, broken cisterns, that can hold no water” (Jeremiah 2:13, JPS). When we thirst for something more constant in our lives to bring us peace, contentment, and lasting joy, we turn elsewhere, without realizing that only pure water from the Source of all that exists can supply us with any refreshment of lasting value. And, still, we yearn for something more than the ephemeral pleasures of life. For G-d has planted eternity in the heart of mankind, so that we might seek to know Him beyond time and space. Only a transcendent G-d, Who is able to transcend our own understanding, can give us anything of lasting joy in this world and the World-to-Come. His wisdom, contained in Torah, within the narratives of creation and fall, the lives of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, Joseph and the Exodus, plus the giving of the Torah at Sinai, and all of the commandments are rich in value.

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inspiration

Commitment

Perhaps, the most important aspect of becoming a bas or bar mitzvah, upon reaching the ages of 12 and 13, respectively, is the integral meaning of this life transformation. Indeed, many other aspects of this tradition seem to be upheld as significant, except for the single most important one: the responsibilities that are now incumbent upon the young teenager.

We are all familiar with the narratives of scripture, learned as if by osmosis, yet, gradually receding like the outgoing tide. Had we been more aware of our obligation to study these narratives on our own, after becoming young men, and young women, perhaps, the often angst ridden years of our youth would at least have had some groundwork, worked out through constant study. And, a foundation would have been laid in order to support our spiritual growth.

Rather, too often, this is not nearly the case, as the saying goes, after one’s bar or bas mitzvah, one graduates from Judaism, and is no longer required to attend Hebrew school; neither do some of us in the Reform or Conservative movements, continue to attend Shabbat services every Saturday morning. Instead, we may be too eager to go out to the mall with our friends. Otherwise, we take the day off, even from the activities that are supposed to make the Day of Rest meaningful: such as services, and family meals in honor of our Creator, Who was the first to rest on the seventh day. If G-d rested on the Sabbath, who are we to think that there is no need to refrain from our usual activities on this holy day?

We are not greater than G-d, nor are we capable of making the best decisions in our lives, without His guidance. Yet, the competing factors of the modern world will suppress our individuality as children of G-d, created in His image, in favor of offering us an alternative narrative, one that will succeed in our homogenization, so that we become children of the world instead (G-d forbid). The aim of our secular education, and the influence of modern society, will turn us into citizens of the world, subject to the ways of the world, instead of pilgrims on earth, like our father Abraham, who knew not the idolatry of his environment; rather, he looked towards, the fulfillment of G-d’s plan on earth.

Thus, we should take our cues from the examples of the patriarchs and matriarchs, Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, as well as Sarah, Rebecah, Rachel and Leah. In doing so, we will be prepared to finally take on the obligations of Torah, that we were meant to do, after that big celebration at our bar or bas mitzvah. And, for those who never had a bar or bas mitzvah, now is the time to wake up to the reality that our lives should be governed by G-d’s rules, guidelines, and commandments.

It is not uncommon, for seventy year olds to have a second bar or bas mitzvah, as a reminder of the godly commitment, that was supposed to be made in our youth, and if made, may have diminished over the years. Thus, even those who were not able to make this formal declaration of intent, may also do so in their latter years, as a means to benefit the soul. Ultimately, we are all like lost sheep, that need to return to our Father in Shomayim (Heaven). We would be wise to do so, sooner than later. May He grant us the opportunity. Ahmein.

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inspiration, personal

Renewal of Identity

Who I am today, could never have been imagined, in the mind of the person that I was twenty years ago. Nor, could I have known of the various changes in my life, that would bring me to my current identity, belief, and worldview. There is a Yiddish saying, Man makes plans, and G-d laughs. I have begun to laugh with Him, at this point in my life, whereas in the past, my heart was hardened against change. Especially, I was resistant towards the acceptance of unexpected changes in my own life.

Yet, to rise above the stance of viewing events within the framework of “cause and effect,” is to transcend the mechanics of the world, relationships, and chance. From a higher perspective, everything happens in accordance with G-d’s plan, ultimately for the good, regardless of the how’s, why’s, and a limited perspective that discolors the beautiful vessel being created. Namely, that vessel is made up of the elements of the earth, given a soul, and designed for an individually tailored purpose on this Earth.

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Return Anew

B”H

,

“Remember, forget thou not, how thou didst make the L-RD thy G-d wroth in the wilderness.”

– Deuteronomy 9:7, JPS 1917 Tanach

As a ba’al teshuvah, someone who has returned to the derech (path) of my people, in a manner consistent with Torah, I often wonder how to view my past. One of the six remberances, events that should always be remembered is the commandment to remember how as a people, we angered G-d in the wilderness through our disobedience and lack of emunah (faith). The word, “wilderness,” seems significant to me, implying a more general connotation, having to do with the so called wilderness of my youth.

There’s an adage, a sort of “popular refrain” to the Exodus narrative, whereof B’nei Yisrael (the Children of Israel), received freedom from slavery, yet, struggled with the negative influences of their time spent in Egypt: Although the Children of Israel were taken out of Egypt, the greater challenge was to take Egypt out of the Children of Israel.

This saying is also relevant to my own life, inasmuch that I was given a moral compass, I sometimes strayed off the derech (path). Making a transition from a mostly secular, assimilated Jew to an observant one is not something that occurred overnight for me; in fact, the transition continues on an everyday basis, step by step, progressively towards the next level (madreiga).

Additionally, there is greater need for vigilance, perhaps, on the part of a ba’al teshuvah, than for an observant Jew, who was not as influenced by the secular world, while growing up in a more religious environment. For myself, sometimes, the daily walk is like carefully stepping on a tightrope, stretched out from the beginning of the day, until the end of the day.

The derech (walk) of a ba’al teshuvah might be epitomized by the commandment, “do not follow after your heart and your eyes by which you go astray.” Yet, the reward is great, for the place where the ba’al teshuvah stand, even the righteous may not stand. What this Talmudic passage really means is that having attained freedom from errant ways, the ba’al teshuvah attains a level of sanctity that can be greatly appreciated, because of the effort made to reach that point.

To remember my former ways, is to guard against making the same mistakes made in my youth. Despite my viewpoints at the time, much of what is considered permissible by the standards of society is not permitted by the more stringent lifestyle of an observant Jew. Therefore, to remember my ways in the wilderness of my youth is to acknowledge how much of my own conduct must have angered G-d, despite my own ignorance of His ways.

Now, I try to walk a fine line, amidst the choices set before me, having a greater awareness of His expectations of me. I walk in humility, by recognizing how my past ways were not pleasing to Him. Nor, should I reminisce on past experiences that may have been pleasant in my own eyes at the time; rather, I need to continue to modify my perspective, aligning myself with what is wholesome in the eyes of G-d.

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